I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
