You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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