Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
