i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The uberlube is also flammable
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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