I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
