WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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