I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
