My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize