Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
