I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
