Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
