so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
