My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
