True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
