party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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