Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
