so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
