I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
