k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
