So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
