i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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