I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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