fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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