I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
