We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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