i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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