it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
