how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
