I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
