Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
