I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize