someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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