i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
