Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
