I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
