You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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