I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize