The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
