nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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