What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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