Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you had me at cake vodka
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
