FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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