I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
