i would punch a child for taco bell
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
