Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
no, he came in my armpit
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize