i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
