I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
