i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
