I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
