If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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