Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
