Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
