dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
