If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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