Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
