porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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