In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
smell my finger.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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