wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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