Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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