my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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