Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
