someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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