I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
