I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
