I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
