hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
