I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
