So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
