if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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